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A "Dynasty" Worthy Takedown

I am about to take someone out.  For real.  Alright, alright: figuratively.  Two people, actually.  I've been volunteering my time for the last 7 months to support a local non-profit and I very quickly realized that something is rotten in the state of Denmark.  Things have come to a head and in a couple of days, I am going to drop a bomb and then (hopefully) drop the mike.  You know, like Obama.

It's a typical case of those 'with' serving their own self interests at the expense of those 'without', but still vehemently projecting an image that proclaims that they are one with the Lord.  Yes, religion is involved, but while I have my issues with that, it's not the problem here.  It's the people.

I really, really can NOT stand deceitful, duplicitous assholes who act like they are just "soooo passionate about helping those less fortunate."  when in fact they are working directly against them.

Demon, your name is Pit Viper and I see through you.

Our first meeting of the year is in two days.  This past week, maybe week and a half, I have been preparing a manifesto which I will be handing out to everyone, in addition to my resignation from this particular body of volunteers because I can no longer commit mental effort, time and energy toward a cause that is being thwarted by its very leaders.  This is going to cause QUITE a stir.  I am pretty sure our team lead is going to have a complete meltdown as a result of being exposed as a fraud in front of everyone.  I would be lying if I said I'm not hoping she freaks and calls me a name.  That would be pretty awesome.

I think it's going to be really, really bad, but I have to do this.  I'm consumed with this whole thing and I'm pretty nervous to do it.  This is unnatural for me.  I don't call people out and openly accuse them of crimes against humanity in front of others.  Well, unless it's like the drunken schmuck that sat behind us at a comedy show this past weekend and proceeded to slur loudly over the act.  I took care of his dumb stupid face.  However, my natural MO is not to willingly create hostile environments, but that is exactly what is going to go down.  In my moments of doubt, however, I just have to remember all the facts I've gathered, remember that I'm right and remember to drop that mic when I walk out.  I mean, come on.  If this is the way it has to be, I want a good story out of it that I can relay to the interested parties!  Someone has to scream: "You'll never eat lunch in this town again!!"  

End scene.




You are not defined by your Brazilian

I am not a goddess of grooming.  While I am generally washed and my level of presentable usually stays between ‘somewhat’ and ‘fairly’, I am never, ever going to be one of those women that can keep all the aesthetic balls in the air with any consistency.  

 

There are far too many things to keep track of!

  • Hair I want to keep: wash, condition, smooth with keratin, trim, style...repeat.

  • Hair I don’t want to keep: threading, tweezing, waxing, shaving

  • Skin: washing, moisturizing, exfoliating, hydrating, calming, SPF-ing

  • Makeup: evening, contouring, concealing, bronzing, brightening, lengthening, thickening, layering, setting, polishing

Stop. The. Madness.

Stop. The. Madness.

 

The list goes on forever, right?  Ladies, can I get a what what!  What...what the fuck else would I ever have time to do if I somehow manage to keep up with all of this?!?  If we’re going to break down the general areas that need attention, I believe we have: hair, hair removal, skin, makeup, nails and wardrobe.  Seem fair?  I’m leaving fitness out of this.  At my level of skill and focus, I believe that at any time, I might have three of those things in proper order.  Four, if there’s a special occasion on the horizon, but that would be temporary.

 

Who are these women that can seem to keep up with all of it ALL the time?  I’ve often wanted to be one of these marvels of femininity, but it’s not in the cards.  I am investigating my nails right now as I’m typing this and they are making me sad.  Last week however, they looked great!  My hair didn’t, though.  I’ve been unpleasantly surprised at the beach by a stocking of stubble on my legs that I failed to notice earlier. I’ve looked in the mirror at midday at work and upon seeing what my hair is saying to the world, I’m surprised I haven’t been escorted out of the building.  It’s always something.

 

But...why should that make me feel inferior?

 

I don’t want to go off on too much of a rant about the unrealistic ideals that we have shoved down our throats each second by all forms of art and media (okay, I do want to, but it’s been done to death so I won’t), but that’s a huge part of it.  Take a few more steps back though, and we see that it’s a lot bigger than that.  How many times do we see images of superhero career women, super moms - super EVERYTHING - put forth as some type of Holy Grail we should all be reaching for?  I know “Something About Mary” was not intended to deliver any type of social commentary, but Cameron Diaz’s character was one of those ‘perfect specimens’, wasn’t she?  Tall, thin, put-together, attractive, successful.  She wasn’t stuffy, though!  She loved sports, fart jokes, beer, social work and philanthropy.  I would venture to guess she’s never missed a wax, either.  

 

In the era of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and all the other social media outlets I’m too old to be aware of, it’s so much easier for everyone to put forth an image that is carefully constructed so as to appear perfect, whatever our proposed idea of ‘perfect’ is.  It’s the new annual Christmas letter, where you only shared the bright and shiny and hoped what you were projecting was happiness and solid success in every arena.  Except now it isn’t annual, it’s 24/7, every second of every day.  And though it defies logic, when we’re presented with these snapshots of others, eventually, it makes anything that is ‘less than’ feel like failure.  

So we take on even more at work, or buy another power outfit or get a $300 hair color or buy a new car.  We do whatever quick fix we feel will get us closer to the ideal when in fact, the ideal is an illusion.  No one has all of their shit together.  They just don’t.  If they’re acting like they do, you have my permission to flick them in the throat.  No doubt, it takes a Herculean effort to truly realize this and then accept that you are not failing if you don’t have it all together.  Sure, we all hit rough spots in our lives, but I’m not talking about that.  You are still hot if your nails aren’t perfectly manicured and if your outfits have never come from In Style.  You can be successful at five figures, it doesn’t have to be six or seven.  You don’t have to have children to validate your existence.  

 

Who made up these stupid, stupid rules anyway??  

 

This is what I’m slowly figuring out:  You’ll waste a lot of time living your life by ideals created by people you don’t know and will never meet.  People who likely suck a lot anyway.  Take ideas and objectives and inspiration from everywhere and use those to be the best version of you according to YOUR specifications.  You’re not defined by your Brazilian.  Unless you want to be.


 

Hoop Dreams

A couple months ago, I decided to give the hula hoop a serious try.  I was trying to come up with an activity that I could do that would contribute to my quest for greater fitness and weight loss, one that wouldn’t necessarily feel like a workout.  I thought I had a better chance at sticking with it if it was just fun.

I bought a hoop online, one of the weighted ones that is for fitness, rather than hoop dancing or tricks.  There were a multitude of warnings online about the pain and bruising that would ensue after the first day of use.  It wasn’t muscle soreness, it’s simply the fact that you have a weighted plastic ring whipping around your mid-section – not the norm – for 20-30 minutes, in my case.  The body isn’t used to that particular punishment, so you’re sore for a day.

 The hoop arrived, I put it together and got to gyrating.  It was a LOT of fun and with my favorite workout playlist blasting, I could easily envision an addiction developing post haste.  On top of that, I didn’t have any bruising on my mid-section the next day at all!  I went at it the second day with a vengeance, reveling in my superiority to the punk ass reviewers who had fallen victim to midriff pain on account of their fragile countenances and delicate sensibilities.  Weaklings!!

Premature hubris. 

Movement, coughing and laughing all proved quite painful and difficult on Day Three as my flesh protested the beating it had taken the days prior.  Humbling, especially when you wrongly assumed it was elite skill that delayed it initially and not happenstance.

As many of us do, I started out with a great deal of enthusiasm about the hoop for a couple of weeks, putting in a half hour or so most days…and then I let travel knock me off my game.  I used it sporadically a few more times and then it got stuck behind the guest room door.

Here’s the deal:  I’m approaching 42 years old and I am struggling with a very uncomfortable weight gain.  We’re approaching the fall, which is my absolute favorite season and I want to be able to wear my jeans, boots, sweaters and football tees (Go Steelers!!!) comfortably and look and feel good in them!  In order to do this, certain changes have to be made that include diet and activity.  I can guarantee I’ll be discussing more on that soon, but for right now, let’s just focus on the fact that…

The hoop is back in my life.

When you look at YouTube and see amazing videos of both seasoned pros and relative novices being able to do really cool tricks and dances to their favorite music, you want a piece of that!  It’s beautiful, sexy and athletic and I have no doubt I can rock the hoop if I keep at it.  I’ve been a swimmer, a gymnast, a gym rat and a runner.  And unfortunately, largely sedentary, the last few years.  The hula hoop is my gateway exercise back into the realm of the active.

My challenges?

{C}·       A house with small rooms that don’t allow for just standing and hooping, let alone practicing tricks

{C}·       It’s f-ing HOT outside!!

{C}·       A self-consciousness about showcasing my lack of skill out in the yard or nearby park

 

…because of course EVERYONE in the neighborhood is looking at ME trying to hoop, instead of going about their day.  I know it’s ridiculous, but considering that I almost nailed myself in the face 3 times while doing my thing in the driveway yesterday…I don’t want that to be my YouTube hoop video.

Anyway.  What’s more important?  Self-consciousness or health (and shit hot jeans/boots combos in November-what what)?  I know I’ll suck it up and go out to the drive or the beautiful park I live near and just deal because I want to be in shape and this is a step toward that.  And fcuk anyone who laughs at me!!  I also would love, love, LOVE to rock out a badass routine to one of my favorite songs!  You know, just be all blasé in the park, like: “Oh, this?  No big deal, I just come here sometimes and become one with my hoop to “’When I Grow Up’ by the Pussycat Dolls.  It’s just part of my life.”  Once I get to that point, I will probably start missing work. 

Look for me at the next Candler Park festival.